Tuesday, October 27, 2015

finding the new...

:: finding the new ::

It is probably abundantly obvious after skimming the dates on my blog posts that my writing has hit an all time low. If this blog is lucky there will be a smattering of words thrown together to make what used to resemble carefully planned and detailed logs of our days. Sadly, I have lost my daily rhythm.  This past summer, our life got thrown for a loop and all the plans of leaving the navy and moving gracefully from one place to next got tossed out the window. I lost my flow. I cannot seem to find a good rhythm for me. We moved in July to a temporary housing situation while my husband finished out his last months as an Naval Officer. The hope of short term housing at a military base is quickly turning into a 6 month or more stay. The hope of finding one last place to rent for a year or two while buy or more likely build a house is being pushed back into the new year. I am trying to be graceful about it but it is wearing on me. We are ready to transition but it seems the town we love so much is not ready for us. With little to no prospects of moving before the new year becoming a reality I am faced with the feelings annoyance and impatience. I am asking why? a lot. Why can't this go according to my plan? Why do we have to wait? Why do I feel so drained? Why have I lost my creative flow? I am beginning to understand that I am asking the wrong whys? I should be saying, "why has God placed this in front of me?" and "what is He trying to teach me?" 

We have undergone big changes in the past couple months. We have moved into a new and unknown area, we live in a smaller home, and we are now undertaking the huge responsibility of homeschooling our oldest through grade 1. I did not think they were big changes at the time but now I see the magnitude of these changes on my children. We have wonderful days of happy times and great learning. But we also have days of tears, frustrations, and whys. My days are now focused more squarely on my children and their learning journey. I am learning the lesson of selflessness. Right now in this moment, my children need me. And my husband needs me to be supportive as he takes on a new job and leaves behind a career that he started when he was only 17 years old. Much of the uncertainty of our future is becoming clear but we are not there yet. I see now that I am being asked to let the plan unfold and not try to control our future. God has a plan and I must allow him to work through me. I hear a small voice saying "patience, patience. It will happen when it is supposed to happen. Just enjoy what is in front of you." 

The other part of this is that God gave me a mind and gifts. I should not squander them. I am learning is that even though I am shouldered with great responsibilities I need to remember three things. The first is that bitter is not better. I should not let life's little bumps get me down or ruin my day. The second is that it does not help to compare my journey to anyone else's journey. The third that it is okay and actually preferred (my husband says this) that I take some time off to work on me. So, I am looking at this time as a hibernation period for me. A reset button has been pushed and I am slowing rebuilding my creative self. This new chapter is blank in front me and I need to start to figure out how I will fill it. 

So, I started a list of nine things to help rebuild (goodness I love lists): 

1. Read Elizabeth Gilbert's new book, Big Magic. It was recommended to me. 

2. Start a subscription to Faerie Magazine. It is exactly what it sounds like. Different and unusual but filled with lovely stories and beautiful photography. A little escapism. 

3. Take an online course (via a very good friend). 

4. Buy a new planner for 2016. Something pretty. 

5.  Read an online literary magazine. 

6. Start the process of cleaning out and reorganizing my studio space. 

7. Relearn to meditate and pray 

8. Rethink graduate school in the next two years and by gosh, pick something that I enjoy doing!

9.  Kick the need for social media in my daily life. 


The results will come slowly. But even today, only two days into this change of attitude I sat down to write out my first children's story. I am not worrying about if it will ever come to publication just getting it out there in the universe. 

Maybe losing the rhythm is actually just the end of one cycle and the beginning of another. 



A just because picture....I love them fiercely.